Not a Mistake

I am not a mistake. 

I've said it. It's hard to say. 

Knowing that I was different. Like I didn't really belong, but not knowing why.

It was their sin they tried to hide. I don't know why she didn't just end it. It's not like she was all the moral to begin with. I shouldn't have been. I was the pariah. I grew up wondering why I wasn't lovable. Why I wasn't...

Well, this isn't to rehash old feelings from my childhood. It was to claim - despite what my parents and adults in my life did - I was created by my God. I was fearfully and wonderfully made. I was made for a purpose - a purpose to glorify my Lord forever. God doesn't make mistakes.

Those old emotions/ circumstances don't have dominion over the truth in Christ Jesus. Although I am a wretch, He loves me, choose me to by His child.

Lies vs Truth

My Opinion

I have a strong opinion. But I am often wrong. How should things be. How should I be. The elusive arrival to the perfect life. Doing it all. 

Seeing myself as the failure. The wretch who complicates things. Who is greatly disappointed with myself for not doing right, getting it right.

All that this true of me. Condemnation every day.

But I'm not to live in self condemnation. I am not the judge. It's living in my pride who truely desires to be be perfect on my own. That keeps me focused on self! I see only failure in this tiring loop.

God never asked me to have an opinion. He has asked me to trust him. Jesus was perfect in my place. Jesus lived the sinless life, centered around the Father.

I want to stop my opinion of myself. I want to lay down my pride. I want to draw nearer to Jesus so that I can be conformed to him, his love, his obediance to the Father and Scripture.

Lies vs Truth

Everyone has Struggles

I was reading Dana K White's book Jesus Doesn't Care About Your Messy House. I have only begun, but I pause at the thought that everyone has struggles. And it's foolish to think, or try to get to a point, that we don't struggle. It's not God's plan. As anyone who has overcome an addiction, it is never goes away. I began to thank God for my struggles, since only through them do I mature, draw closer to him, vividly see his hand at work in my life.

I struggle with my weight. I struggle with trusting other people and trusting God. I struggle to be satisfied with where God has me. I struggle wanting food, or alcohol for a lesser degree, to comfort me. I struggle to love myself. I struggle with the desire to escape the world. I struggle to keep my home. I struggle with greed and envy and pride. I struggle with the need for others to validate me. I struggle to love myself.

This list seems short compared to the confession of last night. How sweet God is to reduce down my memory all ready. I can see now it is a great maturing process to not seek these thorns to be removed, but taught how to glorify God in living under them. It is trusting God when all I want to do is to protect myself. Will there always be a part of me that seeks food for comfort? Probably yes, this side of glory. I remember the click moment when I was 19, anxiety was high and I was eating hamburger helper of all things. But today, I have a choice in seeking comfort. I can go to my heavenly Father for comfort or seek a temporary earthly thing that will not last. And if food, will leave a lasting effect on my stomach (it's size!). 

God is good. Embrace your struggles so that they can no longer be a weapon to use against you. Also expect other struggles to emerge as your flesh is seeking something earthly to satisfy. But scripture says to set our minds on things above. Turn to Jesus, trust Jesus, learn of his love for you.

 You can do the hard things, like live with that which you struggle.