Not a Mistake

I am not a mistake. 

I've said it. It's hard to say. 

Knowing that I was different. Like I didn't really belong, but not knowing why.

It was their sin they tried to hide. I don't know why she didn't just end it. It's not like she was all the moral to begin with. I shouldn't have been. I was the pariah. I grew up wondering why I wasn't lovable. Why I wasn't...

Well, this isn't to rehash old feelings from my childhood. It was to claim - despite what my parents and adults in my life did - I was created by my God. I was fearfully and wonderfully made. I was made for a purpose - a purpose to glorify my Lord forever. God doesn't make mistakes.

Those old emotions/ circumstances don't have dominion over the truth in Christ Jesus. Although I am a wretch, He loves me, choose me to by His child.

Lies vs Truth

My Opinion

I have a strong opinion. But I am often wrong. How should things be. How should I be. The elusive arrival to the perfect life. Doing it all. 

Seeing myself as the failure. The wretch who complicates things. Who is greatly disappointed with myself for not doing right, getting it right.

All that this true of me. Condemnation every day.

But I'm not to live in self condemnation. I am not the judge. It's living in my pride who truely desires to be be perfect on my own. That keeps me focused on self! I see only failure in this tiring loop.

God never asked me to have an opinion. He has asked me to trust him. Jesus was perfect in my place. Jesus lived the sinless life, centered around the Father.

I want to stop my opinion of myself. I want to lay down my pride. I want to draw nearer to Jesus so that I can be conformed to him, his love, his obediance to the Father and Scripture.

Lies vs Truth

December challenge

It seems I hit the wrong button and this didn't publish!

For the past 6 months, I have consistently challenged myself to lift weights. I am stronger and have less pain. I love the exhaustion and euphoria from it. Seeing the muscles get tone. Being able to walk without pain...well it's been a life style change.

It's December, so a difficult month to take additional lifestyle changes, but I feel like waiting until Christmas is just an excuse. Why not give it a whirl and see how I do disciplining myself. Then come January, I can double down on areas I faltered and continue the areas I was successful in.

I wrote the list below as the things I want to do...well some of the things. On one hand it seems a little long, but all of it seems doable - said on a day I am fully caffienated!

Green smoothy near daily. 

No sugary food except events.

Walk near daily. 

Up water intake.

Challenge: 30 days no caffeine drinks. 

Under Control

Well, I put the devo on hold as I am busy with taxes and no time to write. I was covicted today, so here I am to share my latest: I stopped praying for grace. There I said this horrible thing no Christian in their right mind should do. With this realization comes better understanding of why I have failed in the past. I start off strong, deep in prayer and heavy in determination that I will obey and I will honor God by changing how I eat. My desire is to go to God for guidance on what to eat and when. It goes swimmingly for a week, maybe a week and a half. I call on grace by prayer to tackle the first round of assaults. I get revelation that they are there, how I'm being tricked to give in and indulge. Then I go into a few days of confidence that I have successfully controlled my actions. Maybe even change to monolog in my head that I am not deprived, but choosing to not indulge. 

Then I begin to entertain some thoughts of what I miss. I catch myself and reprimand with "you're choosing to not do that right now, maybe sometime in the future." But am I in control to make those daydreams come to life? Will I get to a point where I can go back to making bad food choices? The answer: I  don't know! God doesn't give me tomorrow's answers. He asks I live today, by grace through faith. 

But let's not jump ahead. Now that I am dreaming of the day I can have ice cream, I start to tell myself no. No, you are an a new path. I avoid the store. I avoid the candy in the fridge. I quickly say no when the thoughts enter my mind. I am in control and I am not doing that.

And that's usually when the tantrum hits. When life happens to derail me. When it gets just to much to go through X and not eat as I want.

This time I listened when my control kick in. Why do I live thinking the grace for last week will be enough for this week. Manna for today! I revert my prayers back to grace. I need it!

I can't journey on my own. Need my Lord. I need to walk in step with the Spirit. Repent, seek, ask!

Candy is our stash of dark chocolate that my fam enjoys. I could have a piece, but it doesn't align with where God has me right now. 

Everyone has Struggles

I was reading Dana K White's book Jesus Doesn't Care About Your Messy House. I have only begun, but I pause at the thought that everyone has struggles. And it's foolish to think, or try to get to a point, that we don't struggle. It's not God's plan. As anyone who has overcome an addiction, it is never goes away. I began to thank God for my struggles, since only through them do I mature, draw closer to him, vividly see his hand at work in my life.

I struggle with my weight. I struggle with trusting other people and trusting God. I struggle to be satisfied with where God has me. I struggle wanting food, or alcohol for a lesser degree, to comfort me. I struggle to love myself. I struggle with the desire to escape the world. I struggle to keep my home. I struggle with greed and envy and pride. I struggle with the need for others to validate me. I struggle to love myself.

This list seems short compared to the confession of last night. How sweet God is to reduce down my memory all ready. I can see now it is a great maturing process to not seek these thorns to be removed, but taught how to glorify God in living under them. It is trusting God when all I want to do is to protect myself. Will there always be a part of me that seeks food for comfort? Probably yes, this side of glory. I remember the click moment when I was 19, anxiety was high and I was eating hamburger helper of all things. But today, I have a choice in seeking comfort. I can go to my heavenly Father for comfort or seek a temporary earthly thing that will not last. And if food, will leave a lasting effect on my stomach (it's size!). 

God is good. Embrace your struggles so that they can no longer be a weapon to use against you. Also expect other struggles to emerge as your flesh is seeking something earthly to satisfy. But scripture says to set our minds on things above. Turn to Jesus, trust Jesus, learn of his love for you.

 You can do the hard things, like live with that which you struggle.

Day 1: The plan

 Following Healthy by Design by Cathy M. I need to express my goal. Change! I want to walk closer to God and allow that fruit to display itself in my life. That equates to having a plan for weight loss. I plan to continue until God directs me to stop, as I don't want to limit his glory displayed in my life. 

But each journey needs a beginning. Mine will be lose one pound per week over the next twenty one weeks. Odd I know, but the 21 weeks include a couple special days in which I will eat a normal level of food (and pray not overeat) because of what we're doing those days. So that's 20 lbs takes me up to the start of the fair my family attends every year. My action steps are as followed:

Week 1 - I have begun to a blended salad fast for the first part of my day. This helps me get the best nutrients into my body while helping break the snacking cycle. 

Week 2 - begin tracking calories on Lose it app. My caloric range will be 1300 to 1500. On days I'm super hungry, I will eat more. The goal is to move away from man made food and move towards God made food.

From then on, use the blended salad days to reset and focus on the journey.

Above all, I want to walk in freedom that only God can provide. It obey his direction when my flesh wants to give in. Just to recall yesterday is amazing testimony to God's faithfulness. I began the blended salads on Sunday. I needed to fast before my annual blood work so I was a bit hungry by the time that was done. My flesh wanted so bad to pull through the drive thru on the way home, because I'm rarely out at that time of day and wouldn't a nice egg and bacon biscuit be good? And throw in a tea for extra indulgence. My soul was troubled over this decision! But at the last second, I pulled into the left lane to turn towards home. I ate breakfast at home. I was satisfied and thanked God for his guidance.

Then the afternoon came, we decided over the weekend that the best thing for the stray that we had been feeding was to rehome him. I called a few places and settled on where to take him. I hated to see him go, but I needed to do what was best for him and for the cats I own. I pray God will take him to a new home where he can be loved as he wants to love so dearly. We opted to get a sandwich before coming home. How much better I felt about not indulging at breakfast to now eat out in the evening. I have a reasonable lunch, so I wasn't overeating. I also wasn't using the food as a comfort for letting that sweet boy go. My heart overflowed with gratitude of God's faithfulness.  

So remember, God enables you to do the hard stuff. It may be heartbreaking, but when its the right thing to do, we can trust him to take care of his own. He loves that cat he created with the funny looking nose more than I do. He loves me more than I'm capable to love me or Him. Praise the Lord!

The Real Life

So much of the current society is about pursuing the easy life. Was Jesus always fruitful (think of him visiting home or reaching jewish leaders). This is an echausting prayer when you want everything to go swimmingly with now interference from this thing we call life.

Make my days honoring to you. Give me the rest needed for what you call me to do today. May your peace reside in my heart as I seek you. May I leave the fruitfulness in your hands. Amen